PHP Rant

Ok, this is a Rant. Capital R. This means I am being a little bit outrageous - the objective is not to produce a compelling argument but to present a position in its purest form, devoid of any compromise or nod to reality.

I'm tired of this people. To everyone busy scoping new projects, cross PHP and perl off your lists RIGHT THE HELL NOW. I'm sick of it. It's 2008. GET WITH IT.

But PHP is a perfectly valid modern appli..

NO. NONONONONO. It's not. Get that thought out of your head RIGHT NOW. It is KILLING YOU. You are burning *countless hours* screwing around with PHP, every single page, every single project. Your life is fading away while you code that shit.

but I already know PHP and it would be stup..

Are you on CRACK? do you have any idea what you sound like?? I can't even go to conferences anymore, it's like walking into a room full of people who have intentionally put on blindfolds and then spend their time gleefully doing presentations to each other on New and Better Ways to Avoid Walls through Arm Movement Patterns. Seriously. It's time to move on, past time in fact.

But hosting is so diffi

GET. OVER. IT. Are you building a goddamn application or a toy!? oversubscribed toy shared server accounts are NOT AN APPLICATION PLATFORM. you're *betraying your clients* when you pretend it is, regardless of your language. Proper application hosting is available all over the place, go find it.

But php developers are so easy to fi..

I hate this argument above all else. You can find thousands of shitty developers anywhere busy sticking their heads in the sand denying reality, if those are the people you want working on your application, or your clients application, you're already so far doomed you should just stop attended conferences or posting to mailing lists right now, and go play with the Visual Basic people.

But there's this framework tha..

Look, it's over ok? platforms reach the point where they just can't hack it anymore. Perl did last decade, PHP did around 2004. You can only stretch it so far before it's just a twisted, drooling mess. There is *nothing* that can turn PHP into a modern solution - it simply doesn't have the capabilities it needs. It'd be like trying to diagnose a concurrency issue on a multithreaded platform in Swahili - the language just doesn't have elements needed to express the concepts effectively. You can do it, but you'd do it mostly by using English words for things like "atomic write", "semaphore" and "deadlock". You're wasting your time, use the platforms that support the concepts for the task properly.

But all these other apps are wri..

Yes yes yes lots of apps are written in PHP. Have you looked at any of them recently? 99.9999% of them are dogshit. And I don't just mean usability-wise, I mean the code is actually so bad it's a *net loss* to integrate it vs implementing your own. Even the very best of them are so idiosyncratic about their attempts to get around the limitations of the platform that integration turns your code into a mess of twin support structures and duplicated dependencies.

You just don't underst..

Here's the crazy thing, I can deliver a project in a month part time by myself, that takes a regular PHP shop 3-4 months, 4 people, a project manager etc. Even better, I can charge more for my months work than the PHP shop can for their 3-4 months, *and* my client comes out happier at the end because my product is better and they got it sooner.

I don't even know why I'm writing this rant, go ahead! stick with your ratsnest platforms and your dribbling boilerplate code, the more out of date you are, the better I look without any extra effort on my part. Don't bang your shins on the tables on the way out.